However, being the mother of 3 young girls and getting grown up to the point where I learned that my habits affect other people and could potentially have me moving in with Jesus (or whoever) earlier than I anticipated has me changing my ways.
We all do it. New Years resolutions...getting on the band wagon. Making promises and goals that are absolutely ridiculous. I used to be the QUEEN of writing checks that I can't cash. I did it all the time.
"I'm going to follow Weight Watchers every day and to Pilates every day until I am thin, firm, and look like I did in high school"
"I'm never touching chocolate again. Only celery and nuts for me"
"If I stop eating after 8 pm, I'll look better than that bitch on tv."
Oh, I'd do those things. Then when I messed up, Id quit. If I couldn't look like I could be in a porno within a month or so, I wasn't going to keep torturing myself.
Last year, in July, the clouds cleared for me. I put myself in such a horrible situation. If I can't be like them hos on tv, then I'll just go the opposite way and revel in my rolls. That wasn't good. Being the jolly fat girl wasn't going to cut it if I was going to stick around to see my daughters get married, go to jail, or have their first melt down in therapy due to mommy issues. Those are special moments I want to be around for.
However, Im doing it different. I shed all irrational goals and focused on one thing: just being fit enough to not get winded eating dinner. Its a small goal, but a good one. Another is to not choke on my own neck fat as I sleep.
The media and weight loss programs make is seem so easy. If you do this and eat this, you will look like this.
Oh, it's that easy. You will be tan, thin, look good in tight pants, and SMILE as you exit the gym. You will only eat salads and cook shit like quinoa and feel satisfied.Well, fuck yeah, sign me up!!!
Um, bitch, no. Here is how it really is to try to lose weight...it is these things that make people fall off the bandwagon:
- You will NOT smile after you work out. You will not be cute. You will stink and piss your pants and possibly shit your pants. You will fart when you bend over and your side will feel like someone shot you.
- If you are lucky enough to get through that mess, you still will not smile as you exit the gym...because your titties and thighs will burn from the chafing. Seriously, your skin is NOT meant to rub together like that. When Clara Jean (God rest her soul) used to call me to bring "cream for betwix my titties" I used to cringe...she didn't even work out. It was just that her shit rubbed together during daily activity. Now Im moving on PURPOSE and the shit is likely to start a fire. My lips to God's ears, tell Clara Jean "I feel ya on the chafing cream."
- You will NOT stop eating crap. Trust me. Even if you think you are being so good buying the Skinny Cow Chocolate bars, it won't matter since you will eat the whole box in one sitting. I say this as I am wiping the chocolate from my mouth now after I worked out. Don't front, we all do it and we all know them skinny bitches eat this behind closed doors.
- You will not be hot and tan just because you got skinny. Take a ride down State St sometime. You will see plenty of skinny bitches around there. Being skinny does not equal hot...it may equal meth. You also will not magically be able to tan like the California sun kissed your shoulders. If you a pale, white cracker, you will ALWAYS be a pale, white cracker. I can't think of a single person who said "I lost 50 pounds and got caramel skin like Jennifer Lopez" Bitch, please.
- You will not magically have smooth and silky hair that flows and cascades over your shoulders. Look, if you have a rats nest that needs the help of a weed wacker every morning, having a few less rolls is NOT going to change that.
- You will pee and pee and pee. We all know we don't just sit around and drink water all day. That's what you do when you are on a "diet". And the many trips to the bathroom, interrupting my facebook time, is a major pain in the ass.
- Just because you work out, doesn't mean you will have the shape of a prepubescent boy. You will NOT get back to your high school shape. Every person has this idea in their head that they will have this perfect figure. Why would you WANT to look like you did in high school? High Schoolers don't didn't have babies that changed them (well, except for those few girls who mysteriously left and never came back). High schoolers don't have asses. You know asses are awesome. High schoolers can't swerve the hips like grown ass women do. In fact, I know for sure that if I ever get into healthy shape, my ass will not look like the one above. It will look more like this:
My ass will still be this big. I will still have an ass as big as Coco's. Only I will wear panties and not drip STDS all over the place. But you get the point. I know my body type and I know big ass is my destiny.
So, why am I doing this to myself? If I am so "anti weight goal" and "stop trying to be like this girl", then why do you see me saying "35 down 35 to go" on FB or working out every week and wearing a FitBit?
Aside from making sure my health and life insurance premiums don't go up, I finally realized that I need to be healthy and fit for MY body...not some ho I see on tv. I finally realized that it's stupid to give up on myself if I can't look like them bitches that are on guys' desktop backgrounds. I don't care if I am still a size 16 jeans. If I can walk and run and not call 911, I'm good. If I just exercise a little and maybe eat an apple instead of a cookie, I'll be around longer to see which one of my girls gets onto a reality show first....or gets kicked off a reality show first. I finally had the moment where I realized that no one cares about how my body looks except me. Sure, I say I have 35 to go...that's the cut off to me being "obese" and having insurance issues. All the weight loss sites tell me I need to really lose 60 more. Well, fuck them. I am moving more and eating better than 90% of the people I know. I can be sexy in a size 16 and enjoying my life instead of fighting to be a size 12 and having the process take up my entire existence that the rest of my life passes me by. I have my off days and I have my on days. I may never lose another pound. But at least I'm enjoying my life now...not waiting for when I achieve some unattainable goal.
I end this blog by saying this. It's okay to pee your pants, its okay to cream up your titties. As long as you are doing it for you and no one else or to be like anyone else. Weight loss is hard and its nasty. So don't focus on the weight...focus on waking up in the morning and being able to stay awake all day to see the beautiful life you created.
Also, Heather Dennis wants me to mention her name and say she is awesome. If I don't, she will keep bugging me. She needs some of my fucking titty cream for her lips the way she keeps yapping.
