At least when I was lazy, I didn't have to put cream between my boobs.

So some of you on Facebook know of my constant struggle with weight.  I have my ups and my downs...my back up agains... and my 'dayum girl, did you eat out Betty Crocker?' ups.  I'm not gonna lie.  I get lazy and if it isn't dipped in chocolate, it's not for me.

However, being the mother of 3 young girls and getting grown up to the point where I learned that my habits affect other people and could potentially have me moving in with Jesus (or whoever) earlier than I anticipated has me changing my ways.

We all do it.  New Years resolutions...getting on the band wagon.  Making promises and goals that are absolutely ridiculous.  I used to be the QUEEN of writing checks that I can't cash.  I did it all the time.

"I'm going to follow Weight Watchers every day and to Pilates every day until I am thin, firm, and look like I did in high school"

"I'm never touching chocolate again.  Only celery and nuts for me"

"If I stop eating after 8 pm, I'll look better than that bitch on tv."

Oh, I'd do those things.  Then when I messed up, Id quit.  If I couldn't look like I could be in a porno within a month or so, I wasn't going to keep torturing myself.

Last year, in July, the clouds cleared for me.  I put myself in such a horrible situation.  If I can't be like them hos on tv, then I'll just go the opposite way and revel in my rolls.  That wasn't good.  Being the jolly fat girl wasn't going to cut it if I was going to stick around to see my daughters get married, go to jail, or have their first melt down in therapy due to mommy issues.  Those are special moments I want to be around for.

However, Im doing it different.  I shed all irrational goals and focused on one thing:  just being fit enough to not get winded eating dinner.  Its a small goal, but a good one.  Another is to not choke on my own neck fat as I sleep.

The media and weight loss programs make is seem so easy.  If you do this and eat this, you will look like this.

Oh, it's that easy.  You will be tan, thin, look good in tight pants, and SMILE as you exit the gym.  You will only eat salads and cook shit like quinoa and feel satisfied.Well, fuck yeah, sign me up!!!

Um, bitch, no.  Here is how it really is to try to lose weight...it is these things that make people fall off the bandwagon:

• You will NOT smile after you work out.  You will not be cute.  You will stink and piss your pants and possibly shit your pants.  You will fart when you bend over and your side will feel like someone shot you.
• If you are lucky enough to get through that mess, you still will not smile as you exit the gym...because your titties and thighs will burn from the chafing.  Seriously, your skin is NOT meant to rub together like that.  When Clara Jean (God rest her soul) used to call me to bring "cream for betwix my titties" I used to cringe...she didn't even work out.  It was just that her shit rubbed together during daily activity.  Now Im moving on PURPOSE and the shit is likely to start a fire.  My lips to God's ears, tell Clara Jean "I feel ya on the chafing cream."
• You will NOT stop eating crap.  Trust me.  Even if you think you are being so good buying the Skinny Cow Chocolate bars, it won't matter since you will eat the whole box in one sitting.  I say this as I am wiping the chocolate from my mouth now after I worked out. Don't front, we all do it and we all know them skinny bitches eat this behind closed doors.
• You will not be hot and tan just because you got skinny.  Take a ride down State St sometime.  You will see plenty of skinny bitches around there.  Being skinny does not equal hot...it may equal meth.  You also will not magically be able to tan like the California sun kissed your shoulders.  If you a pale, white cracker, you will ALWAYS be a pale, white cracker.  I can't think of a single person who said "I lost 50 pounds and got caramel skin like Jennifer Lopez"  Bitch, please.
• You will not magically have smooth and silky hair that flows and cascades over your shoulders.  Look, if you have a rats nest that needs the help of a weed wacker every morning, having a few less rolls is NOT going to change that.
• You will pee and pee and pee.  We all know we don't just sit around and drink water all day.  That's what you do when you are on a "diet".  And the many trips to the bathroom, interrupting my facebook time, is a major pain in the ass.
• Just because you work out, doesn't mean you will have the shape of a prepubescent boy.  You will NOT get back to your high school shape.  Every person has this idea in their head that they will have this perfect figure.  Why would you WANT to look like you did in high school?  High Schoolers don't didn't have babies that changed them (well, except for those few girls who mysteriously left and never came back).  High schoolers don't have asses.  You know asses are awesome.  High schoolers can't swerve the hips like grown ass women do.  In fact, I know for sure that if I ever get into healthy shape, my ass will not look like the one above.  It will look more like this:

My ass will still be this big.  I will still have an ass as big as Coco's.  Only I will wear panties and not drip STDS all over the place.  But you get the point.  I know my body type and I know big ass is my destiny.

So, why am I doing this to myself?  If I am so "anti weight goal" and "stop trying to be like this girl", then why do you see me saying "35 down 35 to go" on FB or working out every week and wearing a FitBit?

Aside from making sure my health and life insurance premiums don't go up, I finally realized that I need to be healthy and fit for MY body...not some ho I see on tv.  I finally realized that it's stupid to give up on myself if I can't look like them bitches that are on guys' desktop backgrounds. I don't care if I am still a size 16 jeans.  If I can walk and run and not call 911, I'm good. If I just exercise a little and maybe eat an apple instead of a cookie, I'll be around longer to see which one of my girls gets onto a reality show first....or gets kicked off a reality show first.  I finally had the moment where I realized that no one cares about how my body looks except me.  Sure, I say I have 35 to go...that's the cut off to me being "obese" and having insurance issues.  All the weight loss sites tell me I need to really lose 60 more.  Well, fuck them.  I am moving more and eating better than 90% of the people I know.  I can be sexy in a size 16 and enjoying my life instead of fighting to be a size 12 and having the process take up my entire existence that the rest of my life passes me by.  I have my off days and I have my on days.  I may never lose another pound.  But at least I'm enjoying my life now...not waiting for when I achieve some unattainable goal.

I end this blog by saying this.  It's okay to pee your pants, its okay to cream up your titties.  As long as you are doing it for you and no one else or to be like anyone else.  Weight loss is hard and its nasty.  So don't focus on the weight...focus on waking up in the morning and being able to stay awake all day to see the beautiful life you created.

Also, Heather Dennis wants me to mention her name and say she is awesome.   If I don't, she will keep bugging me. She needs some of my fucking titty cream for her lips the way she keeps yapping.

With Yo Bitch Ass

There are so many quotes in literature and pop culture that make us pause and reflect.  Quotes that humble us or enlighten us. Quotes we put in our senior yearbook, scrawl across our diaries, repeat to ourselves during our dark times.  Quotes we offer our friends when they look for advice and quotes we drill into our kids heads to make them remember.  Everyone has one that touches them so deeply, if they weren't such a wuss, they'd have it tattooed on their back.  This is mine.

When I saw it, I knew I had found my motto and my guiding words for the rest of my life.  It is perfect. It says so little, yet has the potential to say so much.  The author who penned this left so much unsaid, yet spoke volumes to my soul.  Who was this bitch and what is with her ass?  What was the author trying to tell said bitch?  Who was with her ass or What was with her ass?

We can create a college course based on this quote alone.

Did the bitch ever see this message?  Did she take care of her ass?

Or was as the author talking to me?  Was he taunting me?  What have I done?  So many emotions run through my mind.  Maybe my bitch ass is the one in question.  MIND BLOWN.

I took this picture in 2008.  Brandon and I went to Findley Market to buy some produce.  This was what greeted us as we parked.  We came for the fresh tomatoes, we left with the words that I will carry with me the rest of my life.  It will be the words I say to my daughters on their wedding day and it will be the words I will sing to my grandbabies.  I keep hoping to find those words on my next birthday cake.  My birthday is in 2 weeks.  I'm crossing my fingers with my bitch ass.

I'm one of them "Load Bearing" wives...

Ever wonder why Brandon keeps me around?  I obviously am not of the intellect level he is used to.  I'm certainly not into the same things he is or have the same sense of humor.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't crack a smile at anything I write.  I'm messy, he's OCD about being neat.  He is cerebral and logical and I'm pretty much an asshole and a basket case.  I enjoy my foods mixing and he uses a separate plate for each food he eats.  I enjoy fluffy pillows that swallow my entire head, and he pretty much just sleeps on a pillow case.  CASE...not pillow.

I figured out why he keeps me around.  Cheap labor.  At any given time during the week, he is doing some sort of nerdy project that requires wires to be ran, flashlights held, wire cutters to be grabbed.  He typically asks me for "help".  That help usually requires me to stand and hold something, push something, wind something, or just stand there in case something catches on fire.

I'm like a mule.  Hauling shit around for him, holding stuff steady, etc.  I'm the gopher...I go for wire cutters, wire mold, flashlights, tie straps, coffee, his phone, more coffee.

That mother fucker married me to be his lackey.  And I'm the dumb mother fucker who allows it.

I remember being 9 months pregnant with Sydney and him having me gut computers and switch stuff around and reinstalling windows 98.  I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, only that he asked me to do it.  I also remember helping him make cables for his CCIE lab....literally making cables.  Today, 12 years later,  I can be sitting there doing whatever it is that I do (I still don't know what it is that I do) and he will say, "Hey, wanna help me for a minute?" ...and just that quick, I say yes like a hooker with a $20 bill being waved in front of her.  I knew I was easy, but damn, I didn't know I was that easy.

I guess that's the secret to being married to a nerd.  You ladies think big boobs and short skirts will turn a smart, nerdy guy on?  No..it's the ability to hold a flashlight, run cables, hold steady while he screws (um...I mean hold the shelf steady while he puts the screw in, lol), or knowing when he is frustrated enough to call a time out for coffee.

So, that's what I am.  A load bearing wife.

New year, Old me

     After a few years and from encouragement of several people, I'm trying this blogging thing again.  I don't know why I quit...I think because I find it hard to believe that anyone wants to sit and read the mind numbing bullshit I come up with.  I've always had self esteem issues, so the notion that someone likes something I write is always a crazy concept to me.  My own husband rarely finds me entertaining, but then again, he hates pretty much everyone and everything, so maybe he isn't the gauge I should be following.

     So, it's the end of 2012 and like everyone else, I'm dreaming of the "new and improved" me that is just waiting to make her debut on 1/1/13 at 00:00 am.  Well, that bitch needs to settle down.  Every year it's the same story. Big promises of skinny jeans and Pinterest perfect homes are quickly put on the back burner (the burner that is never used, because damn it, I don't cook).

     This year, I'm staying the same.  No big promises.  I mean, who am I trying to impress?  All you bitches read my posts on Facebook.  Have I EVER really wanted to impress you guys?  If I did, I certainly would have cut down on calling my kids assholes every chance I got.  Let's go through some more popular resolutions and why I am giving the big middle finger to each.

     1) Lose Weight...no junk food, exercise everyday.  First of all, you have all witnessed some of my victories in the struggle to lose the muffin top.  I have a good stretch and then I have a bad stretch.  I lose some and put a few back on...then I lose a few more.  I have no goal in mind for 2013.  I will not ban junk food.  Have you ever seen me when I didn't have at least one Little Debbie within reach? It's not pretty.  Exercise daily?  I barely have a regular poop schedule, much less an exercise schedule.  I'll get on the treadmill, maybe take a few walks...but we all know I am not going to be one of those people who end up running marathons or being some sort of personal trainer.  I just want to not be winded after eating dinner...that's all.

     2) Organize and clean my home.  I pin like a mother fucker.  Solutions to store solutions.  Clean anything with baking soda and a match stick.  Pinterest is like the fucking Macguyver of the internets.  That's too much for me.  I think if there is one goal for my house this year, it's to finally scrape whatever brown sludge is hanging from my kitchen ceiling.  No matter what Pinterest says, the kids will still throw their shit around the house, I will find fingernail clippings on the floor, and the battle of who left the poptart under the couch will go on.  Why fight it?

     3) Spend more time with the kids.  Wait...let me get this straight.  All day long I shop for you, clean for you, drive you around, help with homework, do your laundry, build legos with you, read your stories, fight with you, hug you, watch cartoons with you.  Every waking moment is for and about you.  You kids mean to tell me that I am supposed to guilt myself into spending any free moment I have ooing and aahing over you?  No.  This year you will do things yourself and realize mommy isn't going to be on standby every waking moment of the day.   Trust me, it's good for you. If you need me, I'll be on the couch watching every season of "Community" and possibly learning to play Minecraft.

     4) Be more of a lady and watch my language.  Bitch please.... moving the fuck on.

     5) Go back to school and get an education!  No offense to those who are in school and are trying to better yourself.  I just don't see the point in it for me.  I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and honestly, why go to school if I'm just going to be a stay at home mom and write about how much school sucks?  I don't have any passion that is worth me going tens of thousands in debt for.  Maybe one day, something will strike me and I will realize what I was meant to do in life.  I thought it was teaching, but one year working in a school for shit pay and overhearing a 3rd grader saying he wants to fuck another kids mom quickly killed the mood for me.  (true story...I made him eat lunch in the office for a week after that).  I thought I wanted to move up the ladder in the Hospital Administration field, but I just can't deal with fake people.  I'd be fired as soon as I break out my first side eye.

     6) Save more money and stick to a budget.  As we are hovering over the "Fiscal Cliff" there will be no money to save and quite honestly, any budget I make will be broken as soon as the first shipment of spring handbags arrive at Target.  Let's be real.  As long as I have food on the table and my mortgage is paid, it was a good day.

     7) Be more positive.  I have days where I question what I did in a previous life for my current life to suck so bad.  Then I realize I'm being a typical white, suburban asshole.  The world sucks and I'm ashamed and scared of what's out there. But, there are people who have it worse.  Everyone has their own demons and their own shitty stories.  I am positive...I'm positive that things will eventually be okay, but that I'm also allowed to be pissed about things and feel down when I need to.

     8) Be a better role model for my kids.  Look, yeah I cuss on occasion, buy unnecessary things, maybe throw shade at people or say something that might get me kicked out of church.  However,  I don't smoke, drink alcohol (occasional wine), do drugs, have a different boyfriend every day, steal, make my kid smoke pot for youtube, leave my kids alone so I can go get a piece of ass, fight with my husband in front of them, or text and drive.  That is more than I can say for half the people in Delhi.  I pay my bills, eat the occasional (re: daily) cupcake, teach them to work for what they want, zone out in front of the computer while they are in the room,  encourage them to be themselves, snicker when an old lady falls down in front of them,  have them help that old lady up...etc.  They see my good and bad...but the bad isn't going to put them into therapy.  Besides, they know when I do something bad and call me out on it.  What better role model than to let them see you make the small mistakes?

So, for the new year, I am staying the way I am.  No pressure.  I will continue to cuss like a tourettes sailor, eat cupcakes, get on the treadmill, laugh at falling old ladies, and love the shit out of my kids.  I feel like it's going to be a great year.