Ever wonder why Brandon keeps me around? I obviously am not of the intellect level he is used to. I'm certainly not into the same things he is or have the same sense of humor. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't crack a smile at anything I write. I'm messy, he's OCD about being neat. He is cerebral and logical and I'm pretty much an asshole and a basket case. I enjoy my foods mixing and he uses a separate plate for each food he eats. I enjoy fluffy pillows that swallow my entire head, and he pretty much just sleeps on a pillow case. CASE...not pillow.
I figured out why he keeps me around. Cheap labor. At any given time during the week, he is doing some sort of nerdy project that requires wires to be ran, flashlights held, wire cutters to be grabbed. He typically asks me for "help". That help usually requires me to stand and hold something, push something, wind something, or just stand there in case something catches on fire.
I'm like a mule. Hauling shit around for him, holding stuff steady, etc. I'm the gopher...I go for wire cutters, wire mold, flashlights, tie straps, coffee, his phone, more coffee.
That mother fucker married me to be his lackey. And I'm the dumb mother fucker who allows it.
I remember being 9 months pregnant with Sydney and him having me gut computers and switch stuff around and reinstalling windows 98. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, only that he asked me to do it. I also remember helping him make cables for his CCIE lab....literally making cables. Today, 12 years later, I can be sitting there doing whatever it is that I do (I still don't know what it is that I do) and he will say, "Hey, wanna help me for a minute?" ...and just that quick, I say yes like a hooker with a $20 bill being waved in front of her. I knew I was easy, but damn, I didn't know I was that easy.
I guess that's the secret to being married to a nerd. You ladies think big boobs and short skirts will turn a smart, nerdy guy on? No..it's the ability to hold a flashlight, run cables, hold steady while he screws (um...I mean hold the shelf steady while he puts the screw in, lol), or knowing when he is frustrated enough to call a time out for coffee.
So, that's what I am. A load bearing wife.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
New year, Old me
After a few years and from encouragement of several people, I'm trying this blogging thing again. I don't know why I quit...I think because I find it hard to believe that anyone wants to sit and read the mind numbing bullshit I come up with. I've always had self esteem issues, so the notion that someone likes something I write is always a crazy concept to me. My own husband rarely finds me entertaining, but then again, he hates pretty much everyone and everything, so maybe he isn't the gauge I should be following.
So, it's the end of 2012 and like everyone else, I'm dreaming of the "new and improved" me that is just waiting to make her debut on 1/1/13 at 00:00 am. Well, that bitch needs to settle down. Every year it's the same story. Big promises of skinny jeans and Pinterest perfect homes are quickly put on the back burner (the burner that is never used, because damn it, I don't cook).
This year, I'm staying the same. No big promises. I mean, who am I trying to impress? All you bitches read my posts on Facebook. Have I EVER really wanted to impress you guys? If I did, I certainly would have cut down on calling my kids assholes every chance I got. Let's go through some more popular resolutions and why I am giving the big middle finger to each.
1) Lose Weight...no junk food, exercise everyday. First of all, you have all witnessed some of my victories in the struggle to lose the muffin top. I have a good stretch and then I have a bad stretch. I lose some and put a few back on...then I lose a few more. I have no goal in mind for 2013. I will not ban junk food. Have you ever seen me when I didn't have at least one Little Debbie within reach? It's not pretty. Exercise daily? I barely have a regular poop schedule, much less an exercise schedule. I'll get on the treadmill, maybe take a few walks...but we all know I am not going to be one of those people who end up running marathons or being some sort of personal trainer. I just want to not be winded after eating dinner...that's all.
2) Organize and clean my home. I pin like a mother fucker. Solutions to store solutions. Clean anything with baking soda and a match stick. Pinterest is like the fucking Macguyver of the internets. That's too much for me. I think if there is one goal for my house this year, it's to finally scrape whatever brown sludge is hanging from my kitchen ceiling. No matter what Pinterest says, the kids will still throw their shit around the house, I will find fingernail clippings on the floor, and the battle of who left the poptart under the couch will go on. Why fight it?
3) Spend more time with the kids. Wait...let me get this straight. All day long I shop for you, clean for you, drive you around, help with homework, do your laundry, build legos with you, read your stories, fight with you, hug you, watch cartoons with you. Every waking moment is for and about you. You kids mean to tell me that I am supposed to guilt myself into spending any free moment I have ooing and aahing over you? No. This year you will do things yourself and realize mommy isn't going to be on standby every waking moment of the day. Trust me, it's good for you. If you need me, I'll be on the couch watching every season of "Community" and possibly learning to play Minecraft.
4) Be more of a lady and watch my language. Bitch please.... moving the fuck on.
5) Go back to school and get an education! No offense to those who are in school and are trying to better yourself. I just don't see the point in it for me. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and honestly, why go to school if I'm just going to be a stay at home mom and write about how much school sucks? I don't have any passion that is worth me going tens of thousands in debt for. Maybe one day, something will strike me and I will realize what I was meant to do in life. I thought it was teaching, but one year working in a school for shit pay and overhearing a 3rd grader saying he wants to fuck another kids mom quickly killed the mood for me. (true story...I made him eat lunch in the office for a week after that). I thought I wanted to move up the ladder in the Hospital Administration field, but I just can't deal with fake people. I'd be fired as soon as I break out my first side eye.
6) Save more money and stick to a budget. As we are hovering over the "Fiscal Cliff" there will be no money to save and quite honestly, any budget I make will be broken as soon as the first shipment of spring handbags arrive at Target. Let's be real. As long as I have food on the table and my mortgage is paid, it was a good day.
7) Be more positive. I have days where I question what I did in a previous life for my current life to suck so bad. Then I realize I'm being a typical white, suburban asshole. The world sucks and I'm ashamed and scared of what's out there. But, there are people who have it worse. Everyone has their own demons and their own shitty stories. I am positive...I'm positive that things will eventually be okay, but that I'm also allowed to be pissed about things and feel down when I need to.
8) Be a better role model for my kids. Look, yeah I cuss on occasion, buy unnecessary things, maybe throw shade at people or say something that might get me kicked out of church. However, I don't smoke, drink alcohol (occasional wine), do drugs, have a different boyfriend every day, steal, make my kid smoke pot for youtube, leave my kids alone so I can go get a piece of ass, fight with my husband in front of them, or text and drive. That is more than I can say for half the people in Delhi. I pay my bills, eat the occasional (re: daily) cupcake, teach them to work for what they want, zone out in front of the computer while they are in the room, encourage them to be themselves, snicker when an old lady falls down in front of them, have them help that old lady up...etc. They see my good and bad...but the bad isn't going to put them into therapy. Besides, they know when I do something bad and call me out on it. What better role model than to let them see you make the small mistakes?
So, for the new year, I am staying the way I am. No pressure. I will continue to cuss like a tourettes sailor, eat cupcakes, get on the treadmill, laugh at falling old ladies, and love the shit out of my kids. I feel like it's going to be a great year.
So, it's the end of 2012 and like everyone else, I'm dreaming of the "new and improved" me that is just waiting to make her debut on 1/1/13 at 00:00 am. Well, that bitch needs to settle down. Every year it's the same story. Big promises of skinny jeans and Pinterest perfect homes are quickly put on the back burner (the burner that is never used, because damn it, I don't cook).
This year, I'm staying the same. No big promises. I mean, who am I trying to impress? All you bitches read my posts on Facebook. Have I EVER really wanted to impress you guys? If I did, I certainly would have cut down on calling my kids assholes every chance I got. Let's go through some more popular resolutions and why I am giving the big middle finger to each.
1) Lose Weight...no junk food, exercise everyday. First of all, you have all witnessed some of my victories in the struggle to lose the muffin top. I have a good stretch and then I have a bad stretch. I lose some and put a few back on...then I lose a few more. I have no goal in mind for 2013. I will not ban junk food. Have you ever seen me when I didn't have at least one Little Debbie within reach? It's not pretty. Exercise daily? I barely have a regular poop schedule, much less an exercise schedule. I'll get on the treadmill, maybe take a few walks...but we all know I am not going to be one of those people who end up running marathons or being some sort of personal trainer. I just want to not be winded after eating dinner...that's all.
2) Organize and clean my home. I pin like a mother fucker. Solutions to store solutions. Clean anything with baking soda and a match stick. Pinterest is like the fucking Macguyver of the internets. That's too much for me. I think if there is one goal for my house this year, it's to finally scrape whatever brown sludge is hanging from my kitchen ceiling. No matter what Pinterest says, the kids will still throw their shit around the house, I will find fingernail clippings on the floor, and the battle of who left the poptart under the couch will go on. Why fight it?
3) Spend more time with the kids. Wait...let me get this straight. All day long I shop for you, clean for you, drive you around, help with homework, do your laundry, build legos with you, read your stories, fight with you, hug you, watch cartoons with you. Every waking moment is for and about you. You kids mean to tell me that I am supposed to guilt myself into spending any free moment I have ooing and aahing over you? No. This year you will do things yourself and realize mommy isn't going to be on standby every waking moment of the day. Trust me, it's good for you. If you need me, I'll be on the couch watching every season of "Community" and possibly learning to play Minecraft.
4) Be more of a lady and watch my language. Bitch please.... moving the fuck on.
5) Go back to school and get an education! No offense to those who are in school and are trying to better yourself. I just don't see the point in it for me. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and honestly, why go to school if I'm just going to be a stay at home mom and write about how much school sucks? I don't have any passion that is worth me going tens of thousands in debt for. Maybe one day, something will strike me and I will realize what I was meant to do in life. I thought it was teaching, but one year working in a school for shit pay and overhearing a 3rd grader saying he wants to fuck another kids mom quickly killed the mood for me. (true story...I made him eat lunch in the office for a week after that). I thought I wanted to move up the ladder in the Hospital Administration field, but I just can't deal with fake people. I'd be fired as soon as I break out my first side eye.
6) Save more money and stick to a budget. As we are hovering over the "Fiscal Cliff" there will be no money to save and quite honestly, any budget I make will be broken as soon as the first shipment of spring handbags arrive at Target. Let's be real. As long as I have food on the table and my mortgage is paid, it was a good day.
7) Be more positive. I have days where I question what I did in a previous life for my current life to suck so bad. Then I realize I'm being a typical white, suburban asshole. The world sucks and I'm ashamed and scared of what's out there. But, there are people who have it worse. Everyone has their own demons and their own shitty stories. I am positive...I'm positive that things will eventually be okay, but that I'm also allowed to be pissed about things and feel down when I need to.
8) Be a better role model for my kids. Look, yeah I cuss on occasion, buy unnecessary things, maybe throw shade at people or say something that might get me kicked out of church. However, I don't smoke, drink alcohol (occasional wine), do drugs, have a different boyfriend every day, steal, make my kid smoke pot for youtube, leave my kids alone so I can go get a piece of ass, fight with my husband in front of them, or text and drive. That is more than I can say for half the people in Delhi. I pay my bills, eat the occasional (re: daily) cupcake, teach them to work for what they want, zone out in front of the computer while they are in the room, encourage them to be themselves, snicker when an old lady falls down in front of them, have them help that old lady up...etc. They see my good and bad...but the bad isn't going to put them into therapy. Besides, they know when I do something bad and call me out on it. What better role model than to let them see you make the small mistakes?
So, for the new year, I am staying the way I am. No pressure. I will continue to cuss like a tourettes sailor, eat cupcakes, get on the treadmill, laugh at falling old ladies, and love the shit out of my kids. I feel like it's going to be a great year.
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