Just Personalize my 31 Bag with "Craft Bitch"

So, lately I've been keeping my hands busy by trying some crafts to pretty up the house.  I've also been repainting and redoing this crap hole.  I literally have not touched this house since we've moved in 10 years ago because I 1) didn't give a shit and 2) was more concerned with paying the mortgage than having a color scheme.

More on the whole repainting in another blog.  I'm here to share a little craft I did for the front door.

I saw different wreaths on Pinterest.  I thought, "Aw, that shit don't look too hard. I can slap some mess together to make our home look more welcoming...maybe make the neighbors kinda forget all the screaming from inside."

I took a few different ideas and kinda came up with my own spin on it.  I wanted it to be cheap and fast (like my friend, Heather).  I already had some yarn from making Natalie a blanket and I had a ton of shitty frames that I'm sure I got as Christmas gifts from people who thought "oh shit, I forgot to get the Applegates something for watching my kids 24 hours a day."  I headed to Craft Bitch Central to get the rest.

I head to Hobby Lobby for the rest of the supplies.  I get a wooden letter "A" and some scrapbook paper.  I figure I'd cover the wood letter in scrap paper out of laziness.   I grab a container of Mod Podge to do the job.  That shit is ridiculous.  It is nutella of the craft bitch world...as in you can put that mess on anything and it will do the job.  It's a sealer, glue, gloss...whatever.  I'm surprised bitches haven't been using it to seal their too small clothes on their asses.  I mean, it would take a lot, but I'm sure it can keep dat ass from creeping out of the jeans.  I also got some ribbon...which was a challenge in itself.  As I was looking for the right color, I was overhearing a conversation a lady was having on the phone.  Her daughter is apparently getting ready to have a baby and since she is a minor herself, the bills are coming to the mom (the lady talking on the phone).  The lady kept saying over and over, "Them hospital bitches are thristy as hell trying to take my money.  Monique grown having a baby, she can pay the bills...thirsty ass bitches."  I followed the lady around a little just to hear the conversation.  Thirsty bitches are a favorite subject of mine.

I finally get back on track and get my stuff and get home.  Hearing that lady's conversation was worth the trip by itself. So I get everything home and I'm all like "Yeah, I'm gonna make the fuck out of a wreath."  First thing is first....taking the glass out of the frame.  Seems easy enough....until I accidentally pop the glass out and drop it on the floor.  Now I have to clean that shit up before the cats walk all over it like dumbasses.  I can't believe I was on my way to being a tried and true craft bitch and I fuck it up before I can do the first step.  However, in true craft bitch style, I notice a shard of glass that looks like it would make an excellent shank and in my head, I started designing a chevron print handle to put on that shank that would look lovely under my pillow.  If I'm gonna shank a fucker in the gut, might as well have a stylish handle on it.  Then I thought, "Damn, I'm really going to be Martha Stewart...designing shanks and shit to use in prison."  

After that fantasy and clean up, I wrapped yarn around the frame.  It was rather soothing, as I was picturing myself wrapping yarn around the throats of people I can't stand. It was better than zoloft.

After that, I used the Mod Podge to put the scrap paper on the wooden letter A.  I fucked that up, too, because it kept getting air bubbles and I really was getting impatient.  So, our letter has air bubbles.  Deal with it.

After that, I had to figure out how to hang the letter inside the frame.  I hacked some shit together with yarn.  During that time, the fucking cat thought it would be funny to swat at me and try to take the yarn.  That cat was wrong and paid dearly by being locked in the basement until I was done.

So, the letter was designed and framed wrapped in yarn.  Now, to dress it up a bit.  I found some scrapbook embellishments that came in a kit that someone gave me years ago that matched and I used some ribbon to throw on it.  After it was all said and done, it looked like a cute little wreath that looks like a cute little old lady made.  I was rather proud of myself.

I hang the wreath up and go get the kids from school.  Immediately, Anna says, "Oh, does the A stand for Anna?"  Nope.  "Applegate?"  Nope.

Assholes.  It stands for Assholes and it's a warning to the people outside of what lives inside...hahahahaha!!!